Narrative of the Pre-Cana Seminar

FACADE OF STA CRUZ CHURCH IN MANILA

Santa Cruz is located on the right bank of the Pasig River, on the northern portion of the City of Manila, near the mouth of the river, in between the districts of Tondo and Quiapo. The district belongs to the 3rd congressional district of Manila in the Philippines.

The Jesuits built the first Roman Catholic Church in the area where the present Santa Cruz Parish stands on June 20, 1619. The Jesuits enshrined the image of the Our Lady of Pilar in 1643 to serve the pre-dominantly Chinese residents in the area. The image drew a lot of devotees and a popular cult grew around it.

On June 24, 1784, the King of Spain gave the deeds to about 2 km² of land that was part of the Hacienda de Mayhaligue to the San Lazaro Hospital which served as a caring home for lepers in Manila at that time.

At the Santa Cruz Parish, a small park was built that linked the area into the headquarters of the Spanish cavalry, the building that once was the College of San Ildefonso, operated by the Jesuits. The district in the Spanish times also had a slaughter house and a meat market and up north was the Chinese cemetery.

The Franciscan fathers were given the responsibility to care for the lepers of the city and specifically the San Lazaro Hospital. A Fr. Felix Huertas developed San Lazaro into a refuge for the afflicted and it became a famous home for those afflicted in the north side of the Pasig River. (wikipedia.com)

Sunday mass at the Sta Cruz Church

 At the Sta. Cruz Church, pre-Canna seminars are given every third and fourth Sundays of the month. On the 4^th week of January, we registered to attend the seminar on Sunday.  During the seminar, there were three couples that attended the pre-Canna seminar as well. According to the key organizer, Mr. Arturo Catbagan, the seminar that we had attended was the part two of the seminar.

only one couple was there on time

Before the seminar began, we were told that there are three couples who would be attending the Pre-Canna seminar. These couples would, of course, wed at Sta. Cruz Church. The time lapsed yet we have not started since one of the couple had not arrived yet. This made one of the organizers of the seminar furious; when the delayed couple had finally arrived, she told them that the soon-to-be wedded couple should take note of the time and that should they be late on their wedding date, the Church will skip the bride’s walk down the altar. According to her, the Church observes strict regulations when it comes to punctuality.

Mr. Arturo introduced Mr. Amado Alejandro, the invited speaker, to discuss the topic of “Natural Family Planning” or the “Billing’s Method”.  According to him, the Philippines is not overpopulated, in fact, the problem that we have is urban congestion. Further, he claimed that family planning sets the direction of the family from the beginning.

Raisa's Reflection on the Pre-Cana Seminar

Sta. Cruz Parish: Pastoral Center

           When Gwen and I went to Sta. Cruz Church to attend its Pre-Canna Seminar, we certainly did not expect its topic to be about the controversial RH Bill and the artificial contraceptives that it promotes.

            At first, I am thinking about how family planning relates to managing marriage. Mr. Alejandro, the speaker, started discussing about how the population of the country is not even a problem that the government should be addressing. He said that by asking the civilians to use artificial contraceptives, the government is only taking the easier route and not solving the root of the problem at all. When he claimed this, my thoughts started to shift from what I know and the information he was feeding me. While I may not be an Economics major student, I know that the Philippines is not overpopulated though the staggering increase of population is apparent.

With Mr. Alejandro

            According to Mr. Alejandro, the Church endorses natural family planning since it is the healthiest way of employing family planning measures. Further, it does not cause any physical harm on the individuals who decide to use it. I wholeheartedly agree with him on this one. The infamous RH Bill prompted me to know more about the content of the bill and the possible effects it will have on our country. I was shocked when I read about the possible health consequences one will suffer if he/she uses artificial contraceptives.

            As a firm believer of life starting at the conception process, I was alarmed to find out that most of the artificial contraceptives such as oral contraceptives (pills) and IUDs prevent the fertilized egg from implanting itself on the wall of the uterus. This process, personally, is not preventing pregnancy at all; it is forcefully eliminating the chances to live of an innocent life. It is cruel and inhumane; it is abortion.

Lecture on the Natural Family Planning

I previously thought that by allowing the would-be mothers to decide on their own if they have the capacity to raise the children, then the standard of living would surely increase. Individuals who prefer not to have children simply because they cannot afford them need not worry about providing enough sustenance for their families. I thought that poverty might even be alleviated. I thought wrong.

Artificial contraceptives are the government’s solution to poverty. I personally think this is the government’s short-term remedy to the country’s continuing dilemma. This short-range fix would only alleviate poverty temporarily, however, the Filipino culture that it would change would surely linger on. The conservative culture and traditions of the Filipinos would be eradicated, and in its place, would be the hedonistic sexual lifestyle of the community.

          I did not really imagined that I would learn so much about the difference of natural and artificial birth planning methods. Moreover, I certainly did not expect my awareness and thoughts of the RH Bill to be exceedingly incorrect. Being a business student, I have always looked on things on the micro- (household) and macroeconomics perspective. I did not realize that I have lost sight of what is morally good and ethical. With the new understanding that I have appreciated, from being a supported of the RH Bill, I have now become someone who shuns the Bill.

          Mr. Alejandro told us that the politicians and medical experts who propagate the RH Bill mostly have “something” in it for them; while I reluctantly accept this as a fact (since somehow, I still believe that there is an inkling amount of justice in our political system), I know what he said was probably true.

Outside the Sta. Cruz Church

Based from my personal experience, I believe that the Church and the advocates of pro-life should focus on delivering the accurate information to the public. Without having access to information, individuals, such as myself, will be easily persuaded to accept and support the usage of artificial contraceptives. That is why the availability of truthful information should be implemented. When the individuals can verify the information, then they can make sound conclusive decisions about the subject matter.

           

Gwen's Reflection on the Pre-Cana and Archbishop Cruz's Seminars

Based on the Pre-Cana Family Planning Seminar and Archbishop Cruz’s  talk, I was able to realize some significant highlights about marriage.

outside the pastoral center

outside the Church

It takes commitment, commitment from both parties.  I say this because I observed the three couples, who were with Raisa and I during the Pre-Cana seminar.  They had different dynamics such that one of the couples were very much eager to learn about the topic; another couple who arrived late and were just physically there but were not participating.  Mr.  Alejandro even asked them if they had just fought because they were seated farther away from each compared to the other couples. However, I do not judge them because of their apparent lack of enthusiasm because I would probably act the same if I were in their situation.  Not every couple is comfortable talking about such things. 

I find that no matter how a couple acts in front of other people, what matters is how they are with each other; how they are committed to each other and how they respect each other.  I can somehow relate to this because my friends sometimes questions what “we” do or did on his birthday or some particular day.  I am not comfortable discussing such matters or to give detailed accounts so I just give the barest details or at times I just tell them to ask him. ** I think this is partly attributed to my upbringing or the environment I was exposed to. We do not discuss such matters about relationships in my family nor do we hear of how father courted my mother. If ever we do hear statements, they are usually factual and devoid of emotion.**  They would say “ang boring naman nun” or “di ka ba naiinis na walang nangyayari.”  I can not blame them because I usually try to sound very casual or “wala lang paki.”  I am not affected by their words because I find that what matters more than their words is how we relate to each other.  Like I said, there are different types of couples and I do not think there is a point to try and fit to a specific category or to even brag to the whole world that you are happy.

with Mr. Alejandro after the talk

The natural family planning method advocated by the Church requires such commitment and respect to each other and on a bigger perspective, to the family unit.  As Mr. Alejandro described the different contraceptive devices, particularly the IUD, I found myself cringing with imagined pain.  I was thinking to myself, how could the husband or the wife allow such invasive devices to be done to their bodies.  I realized then that though I do not really know what it takes to be married, there is a certain degree of commitment I understand needs to be promised to the other.  The vows, made during the marriage ceremony, apply in the case of family planning.

Marriage is not just about saying you promise to be with the other person through thick and thin, through sickness and health,….., till death do you part.  Marriage is not highlighted by major events that the couple would experience together, but rather the simple efforts each day to care for that person and to make sure that both of you are happy.  Just as they say, marriage binds two people as one.  I think this is the very essence of marriage, that when you act or do something to the other, you realize that you do it yourself as well.

at the children's center where the Pre-Cana seminar was held

Through these two seminars, I was able to reflect on how my views about family planning and marriage.  I felt that at some instances, Mr. Alejandro, exaggerated and made false claims to contraceptives that were against the natural family planning method advanced by the Church.  Even as discussions in different classes revolved around the controversial Reproductive Health bill, I found myself supporting it at the start.  However, as discussions went on, some of the provisions revealed that women, in fact, would be harmed by the bill.

I no longer have a clear stance regarding the bill.  What I know is that it has some positive and negative provisions and the only way would be to revise it.  I say this because putting the views of the different sectors aside or even the bill, the decision is up to the couple. I believe that when couples have respect for each other, they would decide to do the best thing from them whether this is in law or a Church teaching. In fact, I do not think that putting into law, that we should give women equal rights, is the way.  These are just words, I believe that the respect should come from within, stemming from the “love” one has for another.

 I realized that I should not act just because I was presented with evidence that what I am doing is right. Just as said in class, not everything that is legal is moral.  I realized that any action I take should be within my conscience. This applies to how I would act in relationships, including family relationships. Just as Archbishop Cruz mentioned, there are some impediments to marriage, including those pertaining to blood relations.  He made me realize that when considering actions, we should also look at the bigger perspective.

I mentioned blood relations in particular because this was also somehow the impediment to my relationship now.  In Chinese tradition, couples of the same Chinese surname cannot be together. *I think the effect of having close blood relations get married and the possible effect to their children is also the primary reason.*  In my case, we met as teammates representing the same Chinese Association or Clan.  I also understood the possible circumstances in the long run and the negative reaction of my parents, which is why I did not enter into the relationship at first.  Even though I am not very traditional, I believe in some and this is one of them.  I cannot even remember when I was told that this is not allowed.  It felt somehow ingrained into me since childhood.

Looking back, I think I made the right decision and acted within my conscience knowing the havoc it would create in my family.  I realized that entering into the relationship would negatively affect the people around us. The good thing was, because of my hesitation, he decided to find out his family’s history. It turned out that somewhere along his father’s bloodline, an ascendant was adopted.  This cleared the impediment for us.

I wonder now if we truly belonged to the same clan, what would I have done.  Hearing Archbishop Cruz’s words, I realized that I could not, within my conscience, enter into such a relationship.  My primary concern would be the consequences of such an action not just to us but possibly to the future. 

Narrative of Archbishop Cruz's Seminar

Archbishop Oscar Cruz

On March 11, 2011, Archbishop Oscar Cruz gave a talk at the Teresa Yuchengco Auditorium regarding marriage.  Archbishop Cruz expound on the legal aspects of marriage such as impediments and possible claims for annulment. The different symbolic activities done during the marriage ceremony were also discussed.

Archbishop gave the 12 reasons that can serve as impediments to marriage. The highlights include less than 16 years old, reception of sacred orders and pronouncement of the vow of celibacy and regarding direct and blood relationships.  According to him those under 16 are not yet ready for marriage because of their immaturity, instability and dependence.  They cannot yet commit themselves for a lifetime because there is the presumption that they are not yet mature.  This means that they cannot yet decide something that would affect their whole lives given their lack of maturity and their tendency to change minds.  They would not be able to comprehend fully the gravity of the situation.

Archbishop Cruz at TYA

Second highlight is reception of sacred orders and pronouncement of the vow of celibacy.  According to him, he does not want to see any of us married to a priest or nun.  This is because they have previously vowed to engage in another vocation. But the one he highlighted the most would the marriage between blood relations.  He was very much against this because this produces abnormal children or descendants.  The effect of having joined close blood relations may not be evident in direct descendants, the manifestation could happen even after a couple of generations. His words were, look at an abnormal person; he did not do that to himself.  There is a reason why he turned out that way.  Look at his ascendants and you would find that there are people of close blood relations produced children who were the source the abnormality.

Archbishop Cruz also discussed the wedding ceremony and the symbolisms involved. The symbolism emphasized on was the giving of arrhae and putting of veil.  The arrhae is a symbol of support or material resources.  This is usually given by the husband and accepted by the wife as a sign of temporal assistance.  However, he also mentioned that if the bride is the accepted provider, then she would be the one to give the arrhae and the groom would be the one to accept. The veil, on the other hand, symbolizes one roof, one table, and one bed.

The next highlight of the talk would be the causes for nullity of marriage. A number of reasons were given such as insanity, immaturity, inaptitude, unlearned, mistake about person, deception, simulated marriage and conditional matrimonial consent among others.  However, Archbishop also mentioned a couple of provisions that lawmakers want to include such violence, infidelity and abandonment.  He had an unusual take to it in that what he said that a spouse could just commit these acts if he/ she wants to annul the marriage.

Raisa's Reflection on Archbishop Cruz's Seminar

Archbishop Cruz at TYA

Gwen and I decided to attend Archbishop Oscar Cruz’s seminar on the Yuchengco Auditorium since he was really vocal about his opinions about the RH Bill on media and we thought that by attending his seminar, we could gather more information about his stand on the said Bill. Additionally, his animated persona assures us that the seminar would definitely not be mind-numbing; rather, it would be filled with laughter.

The message from Archbishop Cruz that lingered to me most is, “If you want an easy life, DON’T GET MARRIED!” Honestly, I was surprised when he said this; not because I do not agree with his statement, but because of the way he blatantly delivered this statement. I did not expect a priest, an archbishop like him, would say this about the marriage life.

            Archbishop Cruz proceeded to discuss the twelve impediments of marriage. I personally agree with most of his points. For me, individuals under 16 years old are really incapable of sustaining the marriage; further, I believe that as long as the person is emotionally immature, then it would be quite difficult for the person to endure the hardships that are entailed with the married life. At a young age, it cannot be expected for the individuals to think and act maturely. Their mindsets and priorities are still roughly crafted. This is true especially since what I want now is different from what I desire when I was a kid. Some of the things that satisfy me before cannot make me feel contented now. A simple example would be the material things; before, dolls and playhouses make me feel infinitely happy, now, I indulge myself with the innovative gadgets.

            The archbishop criticized committing to a person who was divorced or annulled before. He said that the cause of failure of the previous marriage would lead to the decline of the relationship and marriage of the subsequent affair. I thought that there must be a way for the succeeding relationship to work. Personally, I believe in giving second chances. After all, it is possible for the person to change and improve himself before welcoming another relationship. Archbishop Cruz defended his statement by claiming that couples that decided to end their ties could have resorted to all possible measures to salvage their marriage, without ending up in separation. It is true that by divorcing or annulling your spouse, you are inadvertently taking the easy way out. Couples could bravely address their marital issues and exert effort to make the marriage work.

            Also, Archbishop Cruz vehemently opposes marriages between blood relatives. He explained that most of these marriages result to offspring who are abnormal. Children born from these families usually are with “defects”. They have illnesses that render them incapable of performing normal activities. The offspring from such marriage are often incapacitated to act the natural tasks of a normal person.

            The next discussion that Archbishop Cruz focused on was the symbolisms in the wedding ceremony. He explained that the veil of the bride symbolizes the resources that the husband will provide for the family. The groom gives the “arrhae” to the bride as a representation of his support for his wife and their family.

Archbishop Cruz

The Archbishop also highlighted the topic of annulment. He defined annulment as nullifying the union between the husband and wife through the “flaws” of the wedding. By annulling the marriage, the records of the marriage between the couple will not be recognized by the state at all. It was as if they were never married from the start. Annulment, unlike divorce, takes longer time frame for the courts to examine. Archbishop Cruz cited reasons on how annulment can be approved by the courts. Further, he said that these instances could always be given as excuses for the dissolution of marriage.

            Personally, I feel that individuals should not enter into marriage if they are not mature enough to handle the trials and difficulties of the union. In wedding vows, the phrase “’til death do us part” is the most memorable for me. The couple should take the announcement of the vows seriously; they should mean what they have claimed. While I am sure it giving up is the easier route, it should not even be an option for individuals who have promised that they will be together until the day they die.

Narrative of the Interview

wedding photo

          Gwen and I met up with my Aunt Genelin and Uncle Jason at a Chinese restaurant in Ongpin, Manila. Aunt Genelin and Uncle Jason have been married for about 15 years now; they have two children, Jaiverick and Jaslin, both of whom are my cousins.

            We prepared 22 primary questions, with several follow-up questions, to enable us gather more information about their marital situation. We categorized the questions into five parts, namely, the background of their relationship, love and expectations, the parenting and in-laws, the financial aspects of the relationship, and the religion and faith of the couple.

            Based from the interview, we gathered that my aunt and uncle were schoolmates but the courting period started after two years of their graduation. Both of them answered, without hesitation, which the most challenging stage of their relationship was during the courtship. My uncle worked abroad for many years, thus, to maintain their relationship, they had to exert more effort to let the other party know of their feelings for one another. For my aunt, she appreciates this stage a lot; she said that during those times, my uncle really made her feel special and loved, additionally, it made their relationship more stable and mature.

            On deciding on marriage, they stated that there were not any hesitations on both ends. They were sure of their feeling for each other and they are already emotionally and financially stable. In addition, my aunt said that they do not use any family planning method.

            When we asked them regarding their expectations on marriage, my aunt claimed that marriage life is not as sweet or easy as she thought it to be. Further, she stated that it is full of difficulties, especially since she has to deal with her in-laws. Whenever they have disagreements, they claim to resolve it within the day. My uncle elaborated that communication between spouses are very important; my aunt added that for relationships to work, both parties have to meet halfway. 

15 years after the wedding and still happy

     Being married for roughly 15 years, we asked them how they managed to maintain their relationship. My aunt shared that while they go out with their children every weekends, they make sure that they spend some quality “alone-time” too. They often go out on dates, just the two of them, like how they used to before marriage. She stated that normal interactions, such as joking with one another, make them bond too.

            As hinted earlier, most of the conflicts they face are actually because of the in-laws. My aunt said that they were living with my uncle’s parents before, however, she cannot take the stress that comes with it; in fact, most of their marital problems spewed from her disputes with her in-laws. Now that they are living separately from them, my aunt claimed that it was for the best. She said that while she appreciates the concern and advices of her in-laws, she’d rather that they would not meddle with their decision-makings, especially if it is related to their marital relationship and children.

            We jokingly asked them if they believe in the 3/5/7-years relationship glitch, wherein couples feel “sawa” or irritated with the other person. My aunt said she personally do not believe that, after all, relationships need constant care from both parties. Moreover, they claimed that there was never any incident that they find themselves distrust the other party.

            When asked if they ever felt regretful for getting into the marriage bandwagon, they both answered that there are no regrets. My aunt claimed that as long as they support and complement each other, their relationship would continue to grow strong.

            To sustain their relationship, aside from going out on dates, my uncle shared that they usually surprise each other with small things. Further, my aunt said these small surprises keep their relationship “alive”. Like young couples, they usually send sweet text messages and call one another everyday.

            According to them, their respective families of origins do not have significant impact on their current family. However, little things such as characteristics of their parents are reflected on their own attitudinal behaviors, and their interaction with their children. In parenting, both of them claimed that they both have equal roles in disciplining their children. They also instill the importance of communication to their children, as they believe that this is one of the most important skills to have for a relationship to be successful.

            Both my aunt and uncle are working; my aunt works in a bank while my uncle helps in their family business. My aunt shared that both of them are working due to practicality and self-growth. Before deciding on the working arrangements, my aunt stated that they had mutually agreed on it beforehand.

            They had joint bank accounts, and as most of the couples, my aunt handles the finances. As for dividing the household expenses, she elaborated that they don’t really divide it clearly like other couples.

            Both my uncle and aunt are Roman Catholics; according to my uncle, it is extremely important to have the same faith. He said that it binds them together and makes their relationship more stable and strong.  While they do not impose their beliefs on their children, my aunt said that she believes her kids are influenced by the Roman Catholic beliefs.

Shown below is the rough transcript of our interview with Aunt Genelin and Uncle Jason:

Background

How did you meet your current spouse and what are your courting stages?

He’s my schoolmate and our common friends introduced him to me. Courting started when we met again 2 years after graduation.

Can you elaborate on the process of your courtship period to the engagement stage and to the married life?  Which stage do you like the most?

Courtship stage was challenging to both of us because he has to work abroad so the long distance courtship really tested him and proves of his good intention to me, he makes sure that he writes to me regularly and even calls me every week. After a year of long distance relationship, he came back and there we decided to get engage and after a year we got married.

I like the courtship stage most, since in this stage even though we’re apart, he really makes me feel that he’s always with me.  

How did you decide that you are ready for the married life? What were your hesitations and what are the major deciding factors?

Well I guess the major factor at that time was the love that we feel for each other. There’s no hesitation on both sides since we’re both financially and emotionally stable.

Is there any family planning methods applied prior to marriage (Natural or Artificial)?

NONE.

Love and Expectations

Prior to marriage, what were your expectations about the married life? Is it similar to the reality?

Well as always, imagination is better that reality. In real life, since I’m living in with my in laws I have to adjust myself and I would say it’s not that easy.

How do you manage expectations about your partner? Do you talk about these expectations? What happens when these expectations are not met?

We always communicate and when there are times that expectations are not met we discuss it and try to resolve it immediately. It’s also important that we know how to give and take in order to have a smooth relationship. 

How do you maintain and improve your spousal relationship? Do you engage in specific activities that focus on yourselves as married couple?

I make sure that we talk everyday, share what happened in our daily activities, and tell some jokes to lighten the day. We also pray together so I guess that’s the best part of our marital relationship. There are times that we go out on a date, just the two of us leaving the kids at home.

What are the different types of conflicts do you and your spouse face? How do you resolve these conflicts?

Most of our conflicts are related to our in laws so we try to talk it over and settle it to please both parties.

Do you believe in the 3/5/7 years glitches in relationships? What were the major difficulties that you have experienced due to your relationship with your spouse? How did you handle them?

No, Major difficulties experience I would say was not with my husband but mostly was with in laws relationship.

Are there any circumstances where you regretted your decision to get married? If yes, why did you decide on continuing your marriage? What actions were taken to improve such circumstances?

None. No regrets because we ALWAYS show our support for each other, even through trying times.

Did you ever feel “sawa” or bored with your spouse, given the long duration of your marriage? How do you keep the relationship exciting?

Didn’t felt "sawa" at anytime. We still go out on a date and also giving even small things just to surprise each other. Sending sweet messages thru text and sometimes calling each other.

Did you ever find yourself in situations of mistrust? What did you do?

None yet

Parenting and In-Laws

How many members are in your family of origin (parents and siblings)? Did this affect your current family? How?

 No, it didn’t affect our current family.

Do you find similarities with your parenting style with that of your parents?

Well I guess the pampering style that I give to my kids.

What are your respective roles in disciplining your children?

We both do the disciplining to our kids; we also impart to them the importance of communication.

Do you live with your in-laws?  Given the chance, would you rather live together or separately with your in-laws?

Before I used to live with my in laws and now that we lived separately, I would say that living separately is the best.

Do you think they should interfere with the decisions that you and your spouse make? Why or why not?

NO, they can only give advices to guide us and it’s up to us if we will follow it or not.

Financial Aspects

Do both of you work? For what reasons? Who made the decision (yourself, spouse, or both)? Would you have rather done otherwise?

Yes. For practical reasons and for our self-growth. Oftentimes, we discuss things before we decide on it so we mutually agree on all matters.

Do you have joint or separate bank accounts? Who handles the finances?

We always maintain joint accounts and mostly I’m the one who handles our finances.

Who shoulders the household expenses? How do you divide the costs?

Both of us shoulders the household expenses, we don’t divide the costs as many couples does.

Religion

Do you have the same religion and depth of belief? How did this affect your relationship with your partner?

Yes, we share same beliefs and religion so I would say that this binds us more together.

 Did your own religion and beliefs influence your children to have the same belief and depth?

Yes, I believe so.

Gwen's Reflection on the Interview

The interview with Raisa’s auntie and uncle gave me guidance and insight as to how one should in a relationship.

I was able to their relate their story because I am also in a “long-distance relationship”, though not such as long distance because he is just in another province.  Auntie’s words about how she liked the courtship stage the most because he made his presence felt even thought they were physically apart was something I pondered upon.

She mentioned of his efforts and it made me wonder about my own relationship.  He always makes the effort to come down to Manila on weekends so that we could see other.  Before we started to get close, he would be asleep by 9 pm.  But when we started to talk to each other, he usually had to wait up for me because I would not be home until 10 and then I would still study.  I realized that all these months, I have taken his efforts for granted.  Although I always thank him or tell him he can go to sleep ahead, he would still try to wait up.  It made me reflect on how committed he is to this relationship just like Uncle Jason was. *pwera usug* I realized that I could be more proactive in committing to this relationship rather than just passively accepting.  After all, it should be a give and take.

Undoubtedly being in a long-distance relationship poses some challenges.  However, I feel that it has also been beneficial been to me in helping me understand the commitment it takes.  Even though we have our disagreements, I also learned to dwell on the positive rather than on the negative and to talk about our problems.  Sometimes I tend to keep mum about my concerns but upon hearing about Auntie and Uncle’s story, I realized that I can’t expect him to just magically understand me.  Even though I sometimes do not want to explicitly explain my concerns, I guess this is the “give” I need to make.

When it came to their married life, I realized that they did not have an easy life.  They had to work together through difficulties.  I now wonder how couples can stay together for so many years together.  Surely there must have been dull moments and there’s a need to find other people to socialize with.  It made me reflect how much effort it takes for a couple to keep the relationship exciting.  I cannot expect a relationship to work without any effort. It somehow made me think of the effort people exert in school or at work to excel.  But human relationships are just as important or if not even more.  The way I see it, I usually put more effort into something where the results can be measured or where I would have a goal and a corresponding result and feedback.  I find it more difficult to invest in relationships because to put it in technical terms, I don’t know if I’ll get a “return on investment.”

This is where my hesitation comes from. There is the uncertainty to give myself completely because possible changes that might happen in the future. Somehow, I grew up with this belief that before I enter into a relationship, I should already be mature enough and “complete.”  This is to ensure that if anything happens, I would be able to move on and survive.  I think this is partly the reason why I can’t understand why people do marry.  After all, if one is already complete, then why would he/she still enter into a marriage where it is said that the couple completes each other.

However, discussions in class debunked my idea. Maybe it is true that one does not to be complete and being with another would complete a person instead.  I think this maybe the answer to question asked during the first days of class.  Why do people marry? People marry to complete themselves. I think this is the best answer I could give now and would be the reason if I were to get married in the future.

In the Philippine context, getting married entails not only marrying one’s partner but the family as well.  I do not think we can separate the two and in-law concerns should also be part of marriage discussions.  I asked “him” to answer the love expectation inventory just to check for compatibility (just as Sir Ian said).  Although we had some different opinions I do not think that having some unusual perspectives are reasons enough not to work out the relationship. When it came to the part about in-laws, we were mostly compatible.  However, I also know that our answers were a bit idealistic because actual realities in the future may possibly be more difficult to handle.  Just as the case for Auntie and Uncle, Auntie had difficulties getting along with her parents-in-law and this was the source of their marital conflicts.  However, they also told us that since they left and lived on their own away from his parents, things turned out better.  I admire them because they were able to work their concerns and enter into a compromise.  If I were in their situation, I think that I would also work out the same situation.  If not move out completely, move to a house nearby where I would not have to worry about their concerns 24 hours a day. However, I also recognize that respect and care should be given to all parents.  Therefore, I should be open to compromises to make everyone a bit happier.  I realized that I can apply this even in today’s context.  He always tells me I don’t like a lot of things since I tend not to enjoy things which I find silly but which he enjoys.  I can make the effort not to be very vocal when he wants to do something or to go somewhere even though I do not think it is such a good idea.  I have a very strong personality and he is always very giving so at times he just says yes to me.  I realized that I could also say yes to him instead of always saying no or “ayaw ko.”

Where “we” had differences in expectations survey pertained to the financial matters.  While I strongly believed and advocated complete separation of property, I also understood his concern that he did not like the idea that I would be in doubt at the very start of the relationship.  I think this is a concern I would have to address because although I want things done my way, I would have to consider his perspective as well. While I am very doubting, he is very trusting.  Actually he chose “turn over everything to wife” when it came to the income he would have.  I, of course, chose that he should have his separate account.  When it comes to this, I am now unsure whether the difference comes with gap in commitment, maturity, or simply our ideals.  However, what I do know is that I still have a lot of maturing to do and taking on a lifetime commitment is not yet something I want to do.