The interview with Raisa’s auntie and uncle gave me guidance and insight as to how one should in a relationship.
I was able to their relate their story because I am also in a “long-distance relationship”, though not such as long distance because he is just in another province. Auntie’s words about how she liked the courtship stage the most because he made his presence felt even thought they were physically apart was something I pondered upon.
She mentioned of his efforts and it made me wonder about my own relationship. He always makes the effort to come down to Manila on weekends so that we could see other. Before we started to get close, he would be asleep by 9 pm. But when we started to talk to each other, he usually had to wait up for me because I would not be home until 10 and then I would still study. I realized that all these months, I have taken his efforts for granted. Although I always thank him or tell him he can go to sleep ahead, he would still try to wait up. It made me reflect on how committed he is to this relationship just like Uncle Jason was. *pwera usug* I realized that I could be more proactive in committing to this relationship rather than just passively accepting. After all, it should be a give and take.
Undoubtedly being in a long-distance relationship poses some challenges. However, I feel that it has also been beneficial been to me in helping me understand the commitment it takes. Even though we have our disagreements, I also learned to dwell on the positive rather than on the negative and to talk about our problems. Sometimes I tend to keep mum about my concerns but upon hearing about Auntie and Uncle’s story, I realized that I can’t expect him to just magically understand me. Even though I sometimes do not want to explicitly explain my concerns, I guess this is the “give” I need to make.
When it came to their married life, I realized that they did not have an easy life. They had to work together through difficulties. I now wonder how couples can stay together for so many years together. Surely there must have been dull moments and there’s a need to find other people to socialize with. It made me reflect how much effort it takes for a couple to keep the relationship exciting. I cannot expect a relationship to work without any effort. It somehow made me think of the effort people exert in school or at work to excel. But human relationships are just as important or if not even more. The way I see it, I usually put more effort into something where the results can be measured or where I would have a goal and a corresponding result and feedback. I find it more difficult to invest in relationships because to put it in technical terms, I don’t know if I’ll get a “return on investment.”
This is where my hesitation comes from. There is the uncertainty to give myself completely because possible changes that might happen in the future. Somehow, I grew up with this belief that before I enter into a relationship, I should already be mature enough and “complete.” This is to ensure that if anything happens, I would be able to move on and survive. I think this is partly the reason why I can’t understand why people do marry. After all, if one is already complete, then why would he/she still enter into a marriage where it is said that the couple completes each other.
However, discussions in class debunked my idea. Maybe it is true that one does not to be complete and being with another would complete a person instead. I think this maybe the answer to question asked during the first days of class. Why do people marry? People marry to complete themselves. I think this is the best answer I could give now and would be the reason if I were to get married in the future.
In the Philippine context, getting married entails not only marrying one’s partner but the family as well. I do not think we can separate the two and in-law concerns should also be part of marriage discussions. I asked “him” to answer the love expectation inventory just to check for compatibility (just as Sir Ian said). Although we had some different opinions I do not think that having some unusual perspectives are reasons enough not to work out the relationship. When it came to the part about in-laws, we were mostly compatible. However, I also know that our answers were a bit idealistic because actual realities in the future may possibly be more difficult to handle. Just as the case for Auntie and Uncle, Auntie had difficulties getting along with her parents-in-law and this was the source of their marital conflicts. However, they also told us that since they left and lived on their own away from his parents, things turned out better. I admire them because they were able to work their concerns and enter into a compromise. If I were in their situation, I think that I would also work out the same situation. If not move out completely, move to a house nearby where I would not have to worry about their concerns 24 hours a day. However, I also recognize that respect and care should be given to all parents. Therefore, I should be open to compromises to make everyone a bit happier. I realized that I can apply this even in today’s context. He always tells me I don’t like a lot of things since I tend not to enjoy things which I find silly but which he enjoys. I can make the effort not to be very vocal when he wants to do something or to go somewhere even though I do not think it is such a good idea. I have a very strong personality and he is always very giving so at times he just says yes to me. I realized that I could also say yes to him instead of always saying no or “ayaw ko.”
Where “we” had differences in expectations survey pertained to the financial matters. While I strongly believed and advocated complete separation of property, I also understood his concern that he did not like the idea that I would be in doubt at the very start of the relationship. I think this is a concern I would have to address because although I want things done my way, I would have to consider his perspective as well. While I am very doubting, he is very trusting. Actually he chose “turn over everything to wife” when it came to the income he would have. I, of course, chose that he should have his separate account. When it comes to this, I am now unsure whether the difference comes with gap in commitment, maturity, or simply our ideals. However, what I do know is that I still have a lot of maturing to do and taking on a lifetime commitment is not yet something I want to do.
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