Reflection on the Pre-Cana and Archbishop Cruz's Seminars
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outside the pastoral center |
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outside the Church |
It takes commitment, commitment from both parties. I say this because I observed the three couples, who were with Raisa and I during the Pre-Cana seminar. They had different dynamics such that one of the couples were very much eager to learn about the topic; another couple who arrived late and were just physically there but were not participating. Mr. Alejandro even asked them if they had just fought because they were seated farther away from each compared to the other couples. However, I do not judge them because of their apparent lack of enthusiasm because I would probably act the same if I were in their situation. Not every couple is comfortable talking about such things.
I find that no matter how a couple acts in front of other people, what matters is how they are with each other; how they are committed to each other and how they respect each other. I can somehow relate to this because my friends sometimes questions what “we” do or did on his birthday or some particular day. I am not comfortable discussing such matters or to give detailed accounts so I just give the barest details or at times I just tell them to ask him. ** I think this is partly attributed to my upbringing or the environment I was exposed to. We do not discuss such matters about relationships in my family nor do we hear of how father courted my mother. If ever we do hear statements, they are usually factual and devoid of emotion.** They would say “ang boring naman nun” or “di ka ba naiinis na walang nangyayari.” I can not blame them because I usually try to sound very casual or “wala lang paki.” I am not affected by their words because I find that what matters more than their words is how we relate to each other. Like I said, there are different types of couples and I do not think there is a point to try and fit to a specific category or to even brag to the whole world that you are happy.
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with Mr. Alejandro after the talk |
The natural family planning method advocated by the Church requires such commitment and respect to each other and on a bigger perspective, to the family unit. As Mr. Alejandro described the different contraceptive devices, particularly the IUD, I found myself cringing with imagined pain. I was thinking to myself, how could the husband or the wife allow such invasive devices to be done to their bodies. I realized then that though I do not really know what it takes to be married, there is a certain degree of commitment I understand needs to be promised to the other. The vows, made during the marriage ceremony, apply in the case of family planning.
Marriage is not just about saying you promise to be with the other person through thick and thin, through sickness and health,….., till death do you part. Marriage is not highlighted by major events that the couple would experience together, but rather the simple efforts each day to care for that person and to make sure that both of you are happy. Just as they say, marriage binds two people as one. I think this is the very essence of marriage, that when you act or do something to the other, you realize that you do it yourself as well.
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at the children's center where the Pre-Cana seminar was held |
Through these two seminars, I was able to reflect on how my views about family planning and marriage. I felt that at some instances, Mr. Alejandro, exaggerated and made false claims to contraceptives that were against the natural family planning method advanced by the Church. Even as discussions in different classes revolved around the controversial Reproductive Health bill, I found myself supporting it at the start. However, as discussions went on, some of the provisions revealed that women, in fact, would be harmed by the bill.
I no longer have a clear stance regarding the bill. What I know is that it has some positive and negative provisions and the only way would be to revise it. I say this because putting the views of the different sectors aside or even the bill, the decision is up to the couple. I believe that when couples have respect for each other, they would decide to do the best thing from them whether this is in law or a Church teaching. In fact, I do not think that putting into law, that we should give women equal rights, is the way. These are just words, I believe that the respect should come from within, stemming from the “love” one has for another.
I realized that I should not act just because I was presented with evidence that what I am doing is right. Just as said in class, not everything that is legal is moral. I realized that any action I take should be within my conscience. This applies to how I would act in relationships, including family relationships. Just as Archbishop Cruz mentioned, there are some impediments to marriage, including those pertaining to blood relations. He made me realize that when considering actions, we should also look at the bigger perspective.
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| group picture of So Association team |
Looking back, I think I made the right decision and acted within my conscience knowing the havoc it would create in my family. I realized that entering into the relationship would negatively affect the people around us. The good thing was, because of my hesitation, he decided to find out his family’s history. It turned out that somewhere along his father’s bloodline, an ascendant was adopted. This cleared the impediment for us.
I wonder now if we truly belonged to the same clan, what would I have done. Hearing Archbishop Cruz’s words, I realized that I could not, within my conscience, enter into such a relationship. My primary concern would be the consequences of such an action not just to us but possibly to the future.
Gwen's Reflection on the Married Couple Interview
The interview with Raisa’s auntie and uncle gave me guidance and insight as to how one should in a relationship. |
| with the happy couple |
I was able to their relate their story because I am also in a “long-distance relationship”, though not such as long distance because he is just in another province. Auntie’s words about how she liked the courtship stage the most because he made his presence felt even thought they were physically apart was something I pondered upon.
She mentioned of his efforts and it made me wonder about my own relationship. He always makes the effort to come down to Manila on weekends so that we could see other. Before we started to get close, he would be asleep by 9 pm. But when we started to talk to each other, he usually had to wait up for me because I would not be home until 10 and then I would still study. I realized that all these months, I have taken his efforts for granted. Although I always thank him or tell him he can go to sleep ahead, he would still try to wait up. It made me reflect on how committed he is to this relationship just like Uncle Jason was. *pwera usug* I realized that I could be more proactive in committing to this relationship rather than just passively accepting. After all, it should be a give and take.
Undoubtedly being in a long-distance relationship poses some challenges. However, I feel that it has also been beneficial been to me in helping me understand the commitment it takes. Even though we have our disagreements, I also learned to dwell on the positive rather than on the negative and to talk about our problems. Sometimes I tend to keep mum about my concerns but upon hearing about Auntie and Uncle’s story, I realized that I can’t expect him to just magically understand me. Even though I sometimes do not want to explicitly explain my concerns, I guess this is the “give” I need to make.
When it came to their married life, I realized that they did not have an easy life. They had to work together through difficulties. I now wonder how couples can stay together for so many years together. Surely there must have been dull moments and there’s a need to find other people to socialize with. It made me reflect how much effort it takes for a couple to keep the relationship exciting. I cannot expect a relationship to work without any effort. It somehow made me think of the effort people exert in school or at work to excel. But human relationships are just as important or if not even more. The way I see it, I usually put more effort into something where the results can be measured or where I would have a goal and a corresponding result and feedback. I find it more difficult to invest in relationships because to put it in technical terms, I don’t know if I’ll get a “return on investment.”
This is where my hesitation comes from. There is the uncertainty to give myself completely because possible changes that might happen in the future. Somehow, I grew up with this belief that before I enter into a relationship, I should already be mature enough and “complete.” This is to ensure that if anything happens, I would be able to move on and survive. I think this is partly the reason why I can’t understand why people do marry. After all, if one is already complete, then why would he/she still enter into a marriage where it is said that the couple completes each other.
However, discussions in class debunked my idea. Maybe it is true that one does not to be complete and being with another would complete a person instead. I think this maybe the answer to question asked during the first days of class. Why do people marry? People marry to complete themselves. I think this is the best answer I could give now and would be the reason if I were to get married in the future.
In the Philippine context, getting married entails not only marrying one’s partner but the family as well. I do not think we can separate the two and in-law concerns should also be part of marriage discussions. I asked “him” to answer the love expectation inventory just to check for compatibility (just as Sir Ian said). Although we had some different opinions I do not think that having some unusual perspectives are reasons enough not to work out the relationship. When it came to the part about in-laws, we were mostly compatible. However, I also know that our answers were a bit idealistic because actual realities in the future may possibly be more difficult to handle. Just as the case for Auntie and Uncle, Auntie had difficulties getting along with her parents-in-law and this was the source of their marital conflicts. However, they also told us that since they left and lived on their own away from his parents, things turned out better. I admire them because they were able to work their concerns and enter into a compromise.
If I were in their situation, I think that I would also work out the same situation. If not move out completely, move to a house nearby where I would not have to worry about their concerns 24 hours a day. However, I also recognize that respect and care should be given to all parents. Therefore, I should be open to compromises to make everyone a bit happier. I realized that I can apply this even in today’s context. He always tells me I don’t like a lot of things since I tend not to enjoy things which I find silly but which he enjoys. I can make the effort not to be very vocal when he wants to do something or to go somewhere even though I do not think it is such a good idea. I have a very strong personality and he is always very giving so at times he just says yes to me. I realized that I could also say yes to him instead of always saying no or “ayaw ko.”
Where “we” had differences in expectations survey pertained to the financial matters. While I strongly believed and advocated complete separation of property, I also understood his concern that he did not like the idea that I would be in doubt at the very start of the relationship. I think this is a concern I would have to address because although I want things done my way, I would have to consider his perspective as well. While I am very doubting, he is very trusting. Actually he chose “turn over everything to wife” when it came to the income he would have. I, of course, chose that he should have his separate account. When it comes to this, I am now unsure whether the difference comes with gap in commitment, maturity, or simply our ideals. However, what I do know is that I still have a lot of maturing to do and taking on a lifetime commitment is not yet something I want to do.
