Thursday, March 31, 2011

Gwen's Reflection on the Pre-Cana and Archbishop Cruz's Seminars

Based on the Pre-Cana Family Planning Seminar and Archbishop Cruz’s  talk, I was able to realize some significant highlights about marriage.

outside the pastoral center
outside the Church

It takes commitment, commitment from both parties.  I say this because I observed the three couples, who were with Raisa and I during the Pre-Cana seminar.  They had different dynamics such that one of the couples were very much eager to learn about the topic; another couple who arrived late and were just physically there but were not participating.  Mr.  Alejandro even asked them if they had just fought because they were seated farther away from each compared to the other couples. However, I do not judge them because of their apparent lack of enthusiasm because I would probably act the same if I were in their situation.  Not every couple is comfortable talking about such things. 

I find that no matter how a couple acts in front of other people, what matters is how they are with each other; how they are committed to each other and how they respect each other.  I can somehow relate to this because my friends sometimes questions what “we” do or did on his birthday or some particular day.  I am not comfortable discussing such matters or to give detailed accounts so I just give the barest details or at times I just tell them to ask him. ** I think this is partly attributed to my upbringing or the environment I was exposed to. We do not discuss such matters about relationships in my family nor do we hear of how father courted my mother. If ever we do hear statements, they are usually factual and devoid of emotion.**  They would say “ang boring naman nun” or “di ka ba naiinis na walang nangyayari.”  I can not blame them because I usually try to sound very casual or “wala lang paki.”  I am not affected by their words because I find that what matters more than their words is how we relate to each other.  Like I said, there are different types of couples and I do not think there is a point to try and fit to a specific category or to even brag to the whole world that you are happy.

with Mr. Alejandro after the talk
The natural family planning method advocated by the Church requires such commitment and respect to each other and on a bigger perspective, to the family unit.  As Mr. Alejandro described the different contraceptive devices, particularly the IUD, I found myself cringing with imagined pain.  I was thinking to myself, how could the husband or the wife allow such invasive devices to be done to their bodies.  I realized then that though I do not really know what it takes to be married, there is a certain degree of commitment I understand needs to be promised to the other.  The vows, made during the marriage ceremony, apply in the case of family planning.

Marriage is not just about saying you promise to be with the other person through thick and thin, through sickness and health,….., till death do you part.  Marriage is not highlighted by major events that the couple would experience together, but rather the simple efforts each day to care for that person and to make sure that both of you are happy.  Just as they say, marriage binds two people as one.  I think this is the very essence of marriage, that when you act or do something to the other, you realize that you do it yourself as well.

at the children's center where the Pre-Cana seminar was held
Through these two seminars, I was able to reflect on how my views about family planning and marriage.  I felt that at some instances, Mr. Alejandro, exaggerated and made false claims to contraceptives that were against the natural family planning method advanced by the Church.  Even as discussions in different classes revolved around the controversial Reproductive Health bill, I found myself supporting it at the start.  However, as discussions went on, some of the provisions revealed that women, in fact, would be harmed by the bill.

I no longer have a clear stance regarding the bill.  What I know is that it has some positive and negative provisions and the only way would be to revise it.  I say this because putting the views of the different sectors aside or even the bill, the decision is up to the couple. I believe that when couples have respect for each other, they would decide to do the best thing from them whether this is in law or a Church teaching. In fact, I do not think that putting into law, that we should give women equal rights, is the way.  These are just words, I believe that the respect should come from within, stemming from the “love” one has for another.

 I realized that I should not act just because I was presented with evidence that what I am doing is right. Just as said in class, not everything that is legal is moral.  I realized that any action I take should be within my conscience. This applies to how I would act in relationships, including family relationships. Just as Archbishop Cruz mentioned, there are some impediments to marriage, including those pertaining to blood relations.  He made me realize that when considering actions, we should also look at the bigger perspective.

I mentioned blood relations in particular because this was also somehow the impediment to my relationship now.  In Chinese tradition, couples of the same Chinese surname cannot be together. *I think the effect of having close blood relations get married and the possible effect to their children is also the primary reason.*  In my case, we met as teammates representing the same Chinese Association or Clan.  I also understood the possible circumstances in the long run and the negative reaction of my parents, which is why I did not enter into the relationship at first.  Even though I am not very traditional, I believe in some and this is one of them.  I cannot even remember when I was told that this is not allowed.  It felt somehow ingrained into me since childhood.

Looking back, I think I made the right decision and acted within my conscience knowing the havoc it would create in my family.  I realized that entering into the relationship would negatively affect the people around us. The good thing was, because of my hesitation, he decided to find out his family’s history. It turned out that somewhere along his father’s bloodline, an ascendant was adopted.  This cleared the impediment for us.

I wonder now if we truly belonged to the same clan, what would I have done.  Hearing Archbishop Cruz’s words, I realized that I could not, within my conscience, enter into such a relationship.  My primary concern would be the consequences of such an action not just to us but possibly to the future. 

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